On This Day

There’s no secret to the fact (or shouldn’t be) that history is penned by the ruling party, democratic government, social hierarchy, or ruthless dictator of the time. To that end, I am shedding a bit of light on history as it may very well have happened on this day. I’m not sure because I wasn’t there. But I’ve heard! Oh, I’ve heard.

On this day in history:

594 BC – A raunchy visitor to Babylon peed in the pools of the Hanging Gardens. Previously, the gardens had no formal name. A servant secretly spied the man. She later suggested the name Hanging Gardens to King Nebuchadnezzar II.

408 BC – Four hundred years after the Empire of Macedonia established itself, the term shank was coined by these stalwart swordsmen, and the idea of improvising on the battlefield was born. In an encampment at dusk, bandits attacked during the 1st Legion’s evening meal. One swarthy minion (later promoted to General) named Severus “Shanks” Smith, caught without his sword, happened to be eating a leg of chicken. With a razor wit, he broke the leg bone in half and used the protruding end of the sharp shank as a weapon. He downed most of the bandits by himself. He was given a commendation of livestock, and the term “shank” entered ancient language.

1247 AD – With entrance of gunpowder onto the world stage, a Chinese man by the name of Quin “Boomstick” Huia became the first to commit genocide against his fellow citizens. He stood at his guard post sporting a simply-designed musket. He caught a glimpse of a man entering his and his wife’s abode. Jealousy struck as did Huia. Three people were shot and killed from his post at the city gates. He is the first man in history known to go “postal”.

1888 AD – Artist of little fame at the time – Vincent van Gogh – cut off his ear. The next day he said “what?” forty-seven times.

2017 ADThree devious men of the Trump administration were indicted on federal charges.

And, that’s all may or may not have happened on this day in history. I’m not sure, I wasn’t there for most of it. Until my next installment . . .

 

 

 

 

Sunday Photo Fiction – October 29th, 2017

Admittedly, I love Sunday Photo Fiction. And, admittedly, I am the absolute worst about reading the other participants’ tales as well as responding to comments left on my post. I apologize wholeheartedly and will try to do better.

At any rate, it is Sunday. Therefore another fictional installment based on a given photo prompt. This time – eerie as all hell and hallow’s eve (insert maniacal laughter).

16-j-hardy-carroll-29-october-2017
© J Hardy Carroll

So, here’s the story. It’s exactly 200 words not including the title, which happens to be Protocol’s Breach.

Maybe the heads were a secret code for an unseen, international agent. Maybe they were random and meant nothing. One thing for sure – eerie. For a mystic shop that probably carried frog gizzards and bat wings, for all the bubble and trouble one may toil through during witchcraft, I could only think one thing: wards. Maybe the heads were to ward off evil spirits of dolls that may come to life? I’d be set if Child’s Play Chucky ever visited. Maybe I should buy it.

“I’m guessing you have Tarot cards?” I said.

“Yes,” the under-dressed, young proprietor said. She glanced at the doll heads then back to me.

“I’m guessing they’re behind the counter? I don’t see them out.”

“Yes. Very intuitive. Do you practice?” she batted an overly-shadowed eye.

“No. My daughter likes astrology. Do you?”

“You remind me of the Hermit card. From the deck. Full of questions,” she expressed on a wide-eyed smile.

“Here’s one. What’s with the doll heads?”

Her eyes grew wider, “They aren’t for sale.”

“Why?”

“Because if I told you,” she grinned, “I’d have to kill you.”

“What do you mean?” Was she kidding?

“Our operative knows. You don’t,” she cackled chillingly.

 

There you have it, my fellow bad dudes. A chilling yet playful jaunt through the eerie. And just in time for Halloween. Until next post . . .

 

Hit It, Criminals!

In an effort to expand my vocabulary, I hooked up my email to receive the Word of the Day from Merriam-Webster. If you’d like to also receive the Word of the Day via email, you can do that here. Today’s word, by the way – alfresco which means out in open air. As in our current president, if you choose to call him that, had committed treason alfresco. I personally can’t see a country allowing another country, especially one that is or has been an adversary, to influence, even one iota, the outcome of their democratic election. But that’s somewhat of a red herring – neither here nor there, and detracts from the topic of this post.

Back to the topic at hand, on the Merriam-Webster site, there’s not only the Word of the Day, but also a list of words that are currently trending. In the event that you’re lazy, I made a copy of that list for you. You are welcome. So, let’s get into the top five trending words in our lovely culture.

Number 5) Righteous meaning acting in accord with divine or moral law. As in, those self-righteous asshole Benedict Arnolds in the US government people in office have the audacity to blame others for their mistakes – or just make bullshit stuff up to make others look bad. One example, Donald J. Trump blamed Barack Obama for wiretapping his suite during his presidential campaign, yet can provide absolutely no evidence whatsoever. He can only mud sling and make accusations, and you’ll just have to take his dictator’s word for it, I suppose. By the way, Donald, that word is fabrication. Look it up.

Number 4) Spurious meaning of a deceitful nature or quality. Okay, so let me get this straight, we have an administration in the highest office in the land headed by a man who attained most of his wealth by cheating people and ridiculously baseless lawsuits spurious means.

Number 3) Imbroglio meaning a confused mass or “a public scandal”. As in, Donald J. Trump is one big effin’ imbroglio.

Number 2) Debase meaning to lower in status, esteem or character. As in, everything Trump does (mostly by hilariously embarrassing tweets on Twitter) usually debases himself and his public image. He does this by his own tweeting hand.

And currently, the most trending word: Dossier meaning a file containing detailed records on a particular person or subject. As in, Robert Mueller has an extremely thick dossier of destructive and potentially law-violating evidence that Trump cheated in the 2016 election. I mean, come on! Trump’s own son-in-law admitted to these very acts of collusion. My question is a resounding “why the hell is Trump still our president and not in jail?”

Thus concludes our post for now, my fellow bad-guy friends. Feel free to follow this blog by email, if you haven’t, and also, feel free to re-post this on your various social media pages. Until next time, stay out of the shadows, and “All hail the queen!”

trump queen

 

 

World-Wide Laughing Stock

Oh, this feud was years in the making. We’re going to see it. Who gets who’s toupee off first – Donald Trump or Bob Corker. This calamity, that’s taken the US by the toupee, was forecast in the ’70’s by the great philosopher Bugs Bunny.

Let’s watch as Bugs so brilliantly foresees the United States’ political future.

 

“Whirl, whirl, twist and twirl . . .” I couldn’t have said it better, Bugs. Until next time . . .

Short and Sweet . . . and Corny!

d147008Today’s post is all about the corn. To what am I referring? Why, corny jokes, of course. I’ll start and then you can add your corn in the comments section. Here goes (ahem):

What kind of socks do pirates prefer?

ARRRGGG-yle!

Tada! Now, that didn’t hurt . . . too much. Feel free to comment with your corny joke, but let’s do our best to keep it clean, shall we?

Until next post, take care, my fellow bad guys.

Sunday Photo Fiction – 22nd of October 2017 – The Hospital

Ah, Sunday Photo Fiction – my old buddy whom I haven’t seen in a long while. Being absent from blogging on the internet, I’d forgotten how fun this exercise can be. The idea is to come up with a story of 200 words based on a given photo prompt. This week’s prompt is the picture below. My story runs exactly 200 words including the title – The Hospital – following the prompt.

215-10-october-22nd-2017
Picture by Al Forbes

The Hospital

The thing was a boat on wheels – like James Bond on vacation cross-country in his aqua-mobile home. I’d never seen such a thing. When asked, the driver said it was willed to him. I thought his relative must’ve hated him to will that monstrosity. Eh, who am I to talk? My ex-wife’s mother willed me a purple velour suit that was expected to be worn at her wake – it wasn’t.

Now, I don’t know what made me do it but I had a strawberry ICEE I’d just started slurping on. Was it remembering my ex-wife and her bitch mother? Probably. It was as if I wasn’t in control of my hands anymore. I threw that ICEE right at whom I could only assume was the dude’s wife, in the passenger seat – right at her head. The boat abruptly stopped.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, buddy?!” From then on, it was fisticuffs. He threw so many punches in a matter of minutes, I don’t think James Bond could compare.

According to the x-rays, it was only a broken arm, two ribs, and my wrist and nose. I felt like I’d lost a Mike Tyson bout.

 

That’s the story – thankfully for my health and sake, it is fiction. Hope you enjoyed today’s read. Take care, y’all. And, have a good Sunday, bad guys.

 

The Best!

Okay, if not best, definitely most fun. To what am I referring? Warhammer Online, of course! Mythic Entertainment‘s Age of Reckoning had many desirable elements to attract any PvP MMORPG enthusiast. Despite being tab-target (which, really, most MMO’s of the time were tab-target) and not action-combat, this game was head and shoulders  . . . okay, maybe just shoulders . . . above the rest. The game never boasted the numbers of subscribers as, say, Blizzard’s World of Warcraft, but, hell, who does?

Warbox

A PvP MMORPG – that’s Player versus Player Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game – should feature a few key elements: good battle grounds or scenarios, world player versus player opportunities, and a variety of classes to achieve objectives in both. Well, Warhammer Online had it all. Not only did it have the great scenarios – Nordenwatch was a favorite of mine – but also awesome classes to choose from. The classes were race-locked, meaning certain races could only be certain classes, so . . . downside there, but dammit, this game was a blast!

And although tab-target is semi-antiquated in MMO’s now, it’s still found in many current, and even new games. Many games are switching to action-combat. Tab-target is using the tab key to select a target to battle. Just like it sounds, right? Whereas, action-combat is a smoother, more open type of battle. In action-combat, there is no given target – you aim your weapon. It takes a bit more skill than just targeting your opponent and spamming a certain weapon move(s) or spell(s). TERA and Black Desert are examples of current action-combat MMORPG’s. Both have their drawbacks and both have their pluses. But neither boasts the name and content of Warhammer!

Warhammer also had the Realm versus Realm feature wherein your faction would pair off against the other factions for battlefield dominance. Oh, those were the days! Storming castles and keeps, achieving RvR goals of capturing this or that objective. Ah, I’m getting misty just thinking about it.

Although Mythic’s version is gone now, there is an alternative – Return of Reckoning. Private servers are up and running, although not with all the former content. Now, it is in Alpha Phase, so expect bugs if you decide to enter the fray. But for those of us with the WAR monkey on our backs, Return of Reckoning will have to do for now. So, if you want to WAR, grab your Hammer and play the private servers.

In short, I miss you, Warhammer. You hacked and slashed like no other! Until next time, get your WAR on! Bye bye, bad guys.

 

A Halloween Play

Fall has finally arrived here in East Tennessee and with it brings thoughts of camping, turning leaves and Halloween candy. Halloween – one of my favorite holidays. In that spirit, I’m posting a play I wrote a few years ago. Here goes:

Cult-of-Chucky-trailer

 

Friendship: Movie Stars on a Halloween Camping Trip – A Short Play

 

Starring:

Freddy Krueger
Chucky
Jason Voorhees

Pinhead
Campsite somewhere in the Smokey Mountains. Night time by a roaring fire.

 

Freddy: “Dammit! Oh, sorry, Chucky. I know you don’t like vulgarity. Violence, on the other hand . . .”

Chucky: “Hey, dude, mass murder is my forte. Best little killer you’ll ever meet.”

Jason: “. . .”

Freddy: “Shut up, Jason.”

Chucky: “Yeah, shut up, Jason. You’re the red-headed stepchild of our movie genre.”

Freddy: “Uh, Chucky, not to burst your bubble but his movies grossed a wee bit more profits than yours. Besides you’ve red hair.”

Chucky: “It’s auburn. So, you can kiss it.”

Jason: “. . .”

Chucky: “Jason, what did I just say? And if I don’t want to say the ‘A’ word, I won’t. My prerogative.”

Freddy: “Chucky, what was that?”

Chucky: “Wha- Freddy, I’m not fallin’ for it. Not again, anyway.”

Freddy: “No. Seriously, I heard a noise. Did you hear it, Jason?”

Jason: “. . .”

Chucky: “Yeah, right. I believe you two are in cahoots, as they say. Man, I should be a wordsmith. I mean, ‘in cahoots’? Who uses that so brilliantly in every day conversa-

Freddy: “Chucky, shut the hell up! I mean it. Listen . . .”

Chucky: “Kiss my rosy, little rear. I said I’m not fallin’ for-

 

Springs from the bushes screaming

 

Pinhead: “Blahhh, yahh, yahh, yahh!”

Chucky: “Holy shit! Oh my God! What the-

Jason: “. . .!”

Freddy: “Dammit, Pinhead! I almost had a friggin’ heart attack! That’s so not right, you little-

Pinhead: Laughing “Oh my word! That was great. Heck, I made Chucky curse like a sailor. Need a diaper change, there, little buddy?”

Jason: “. . .!”

Freddy: “Exactly, Jason! Pinny, that was not funny at all. You know Jason has that heart murmur.”

Pinhead: “Oh, Jason is fine.”

Chucky: “Lord, forgive me for what I said as I will forgive Pinhead for scaring the crap out of me. So not funny.”

Pinhead: “You do need a diaper change.”

Chucky: “Blow it out your friggin’ diaper, Pinny!”

Jason: “. . .”

Pinhead: “Shut up, Jason. I brought your favorite beer, by the way. Happy Halloween.”

Jason: “. . .”

Pinhead: “You’re welcome. You know, guys, nothin’ like good friends. I love you, guys.”

Chucky: “You’re not getting my beer, Pinny.”

 

The End

 

There you have it. Hope you enjoyed that, my fellow bad guys. See you soon. Hopefully not in the Smoky Mountains with your boots gone and your head lopped off.

Mezco-Hellraisr-3-Pinhead-001