Happy Heart Breaker’s Eve, y’all. Because many of us will wake up tomorrow and find ourselves painted into a loveless corner. All I can say is, I hope it’s by choice and not circumstance.
For all the guys out there, I hope to the lord above that have not ended up gushing over some gorgeous geisha only to be struck down and stuck inside . . . The Friend Zone. Yes, The Friend Zone – that dismal, lonely place full of blood-curdling screams of orgasmic ecstasy that you aren’t giving anyone. No, those screams are coming through the wall from your heavenly, gorgeous geisha roommate’s room – you know, that roommate you’ve been in love with for . . . ever – as she’s being pounded by the guy who doesn’t give two shits about her. Yet she loves him. “Oh, give me a fuckin’ break!”
Tell me, guys, does this resemble you? If so, guess what! Yes, you are best friend guy! The super bestie that she’s ever had and you will never, ever see her naked! Trust me, I’m an expert on “bestie”.
All is not lost, however. You can try any of the following:
A) Jump a train and ride the rails as a vagrant to a different state. Yes, leave your past behind. She’ll find another bestie, i.e. dupe who will never, ever see her naked.
B) Turn that frown upside down with a shit load of LSD. Yes, you can blitz your brain to the point of delirium and possible complete insanity. You’ll be so high you may never come down, which would definitely be preferable to hearing those blood-curdling screams through the walls all night long.
C) Drive your ’84 Subaru Hatchback right off a bridge. Go ahead, test the waters, literally. See if your little Subaru really is a “Sub” for short.
D) *Insert valiant heroic death here*
See? You do have choices this Heart Breaker’s Eve. You don’t have to be struck down and stuck in The Friend Zone. Until next time, don’t cry too loud. Your bestie in the other room may hear you. I’ll leave on this note from my favorite band Led Zeppelin. Take it away, boys . . .